Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
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Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
The news: Kidnapping, war, starvation, mass murder.
Me: There’s nothing worse than having a hangnail.
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
Comic 🥺👉👈💗❤️🔥
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
Why be just a part of the solution when you can be the whole problem?
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
somewhere, in an alternate universe
Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?
Me: Never ask about my art
“This is so relaxing, better than going out”, she thought as she did her own pedicure balanced on one leg like a flamingo.
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
Thought I was turning into my dad, but it was just his driveway.
The worst time to find out your parents are dead is probably right after you’ve taken a large hit from helium balloon.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
[blind date]
HER: I filled up on nuts
ME: I guess you bit off more than you… cashew
HER: Gesundheit
ME: I think I love you