no one:
my 5yo: you can’t be mad without eyebrows
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“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it’s probably just as well real lightsabers aren’t available yet.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
The scariest room in a haunted house would be filled with people you haven’t seen since high school asking what you’ve been up to these days
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Father O’Malley answers the phone. ‘Hello, is this Father O’Malley?’
‘It is!’
‘This is the IRS. Can you help us?’
‘I can!’
‘Do you know a Ted Houlihan?’
‘I do!’
‘Is he a member of your congregation?’
‘He is!’
‘Did he donate $10,000 to the church?’
‘He will.’
My biggest fear used to be accidentally saying “love you” to a customer when hanging up the phone
Now my biggest fear is that it will happen a second time
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
Day 2 of my diet
my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎
My signature move at family dinners is waiting for someone to put their drink down at the table & then moving it when they go to the buffet.
The MasterChef judges be like: “I’m so sorry, Jeff. You’ll need to say goodbye to the other contestants (sad)… because you’re going back to your station (yay)… to drop off your apron (sad)…and getting a new one (yay)…that says loser on it.”
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Surely it must be just Zealand by now.
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”