Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
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*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
Sometimes I pet a cat just to make it bathe itself all over again
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
I annoy my dad when he’s watching football by referring to all the players as, “characters.” It works every time
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
Kids: Stay in school.
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
mfs get a macbook and all of a sudden they got work to do in public places
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
Good boy 😂😂
I better help you finish that whiskey before it spoils.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
I’ll eat when I’m dead
– zombies
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.