[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
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I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
I requested better work conditions but my boss screamed and threw his toy at me and now we’re both sitting in the playpen crying
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
*ghost hunter looking for ghosts in our bedroom turns on a blacklight*
Me: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Ghost Hunter: *eyes widen* Look at all the ectoplasm. It’s everywhere!
Me: That’s exactly what that is.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
I keep all my valuables near the front door so if burglars breaks in during the night they will not wake me up.
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
Interviewer: Are you a natural leader?
Me: *steps out of his office* Sweet Caroline…
Everyone: BOM BOM BOM
Interviewer: Damn you’re good.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?
People are like, “How cute! Your dog looks just like you!” I’m like, “That’s my son.”
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Today I’m golfing.
Thoughts and prayers for nearby homeowners.
Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
💻🤡