Starting my own social media site called Chaos Realm which is just a Google doc that anyone can edit
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I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
I either text back right away or never, because I saw your text, replied in my head but forgot to actually type it.
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
“Dad, I’ve heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn’t know his wife until he marries her.”
“Son, that happens everywhere!”
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying
Me- *goes into the office for the first time in 15 months*
5 yo- *becomes a mom* was it good seeing your friends today?
“cinnamon toast shrimp guy turned out to be a milkshake duck just like bean dad” is a sentence I desperately wish I did not understand
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
8-year-old me: [scrunches face to make it all warped and wrinkly]
Mom: Stop, or your face will stay like that.
[many decades later]
Me: Oh no.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
Me: *Puts on skis* I’ve not done this before! *Nervously pulls on ski goggles*
Driving instructor: Please get out of my bed
Gandalf: Frodo, you have the fortitude to carry the ring and resist its power.
Frodo: *puts the ring on twice in one hour*
Gandalf: ffs
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Ok 1st off, who exactly is “we” in “we have to go on a diet”, and more importantly, why is there salad on the plate where my food should be.
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.