3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
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[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can’t deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
My kid just told me that the 10/10 I got on an attractiveness scale is “just a totally random number and doesn’t actually mean anything”, if you’re in the market for an assassin.
To test my sobriety, my husband asked me to name our 3 children. I said, “Didn’t we do that when they were born?”
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
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o
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ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
*Rolls window down*
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: is it because I’m literally running down the street pretending to be a car?
Her: Your hair looks nice today
Me: Thanks. I slept differently.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Me: Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
Padre: What is your sin, my child?
Me: Twitter.
Padre: Wow, if I had a nickel for every time . . .
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
With the amount of hairs falling out of my head daily, it’s amazing I haven’t been implicated in any local crime scenes.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29