If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
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Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
who called it hell and not heaven’t
Hey girl, heaven must be missing an angel….cause it looks like you ate one
Me: I saved my friend from drowning
Wife: How? You can’t even swim
Me: I shot him
I took a girl back to my flat.
“You haven’t removed many bras have you?” she sighed.
“What gave it away?”
“The scissors, mainly.”
A collection of me turning into random objects.
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
The USS B port
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
It isn’t enough to know you liked my tweet. I need a play by play. I want Twitter to tell me “Carl saw your tweet”. “Carl misinterpreted your tweet and had to read it again.” “Carl is now laughing at your tweet.”
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
i love that gatorade says 0% juice. like yeah we’re well aware there’s no fruit named “cool blue”
me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
I will never think of rock paper scissors the same way again.
How many cops does it take to change a lightbulb?
None, they just beat the room for being black.
*drops mic, gets beat by security*
What is a good name for a nun in Heaven?
If you guessed “Heaven nun” or “Angel nun” you’re wrong.
The answer is “Nun of the Above”.
Not usually a big fan of God, but I have admit telling Cruz to run for president then making him lose to a reality TV clown was an A+ prank.