Average person has sex 89 times a year.
These next two days are going to be wild
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My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
My inner monologue 90% of the time: “I don’t get it.”
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
First they came for the people who say “Awesome sauce,” and I said nothing, because, frankly, those people deserve it.
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
Paranormal Activity would be more unsettling if the room started messy and the ghost cleaned it
I thought I was being clever, putting the litter box on wheels so I could slide it out from under the stairs, but I have inadvertently created a Mad Max-esque vehicle which my cat uses to roll around the house, dragging himself with his front paws, the entire time shitting.
– Adele’s baby starts to cry
– Adele sings the baby a lullaby
– baby cries more, but now for different reasons
I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.