my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it
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Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
“sorry you are currently offline” is my new go-to response when my family wants something
[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
Me on the 7th day of Christmas: hey I’m gonna run to the store. We’re out of maids a’milking
My true love: no don’t
Me: what? Why not?
My true love: just trust me
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
When my boyfriend gives me a hug during an argument, it looks loving, but I’m just patting him down to make sure he’s not wearing a wire.
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
[whispers to you at my own funeral] ok don’t freak out
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
my name if I was in the mob
[murder occurs]
ME: how terrible. why can’t we love each other[someone slightly inconveniences me]
ME: I will execute your entire family
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
Parkour is the act of moving through an environment in the fastest way possible. It’s all about speed and efficiency.
Now imagine the opposite of that. The slowest, least efficient way, to get to where you need to go. That’s what happens when my kid says he’s taking a shortcut.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]