*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
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[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
wife: [looking at our baby] lets name her after my mother
me: ok
[later]
friend: aww what’s her name?
[at same time]
wife: alice
me: grandma
when everyone else grabs a partner immediately and the teacher says “why don’t you come up and dance with me”
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
Girls love it when guys:
– are respectful
– are handsome
– eat watermelon really fast and spit out the seeds like a machine gun
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Delivery!
Mail!
Dog!
Bunny!
A leaf fell!
Wind!
Nothing!
Nothing again!-My dog’s daily announcements
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
interviewer: what do you know about excel?
me: *closing my eyes* 24th and 12th letter of the alphabet
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
the perfect lunchbox d̶o̶e̶s̶n̶’̶t̶ ̶e̶x̶i̶s̶t̶
Mayonnaise is basically sandwich moisturizer.