My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
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Fun fact: you don’t need to be naked to thumb wrestle. Or oiled up
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
Find someone who holds onto you as tightly as the twitter algorithm does that subject you clicked on once 6 months ago
Hey tiny front pocket on a t-shirt… Watcha doin’ there buddy?
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
Kindergartners almost have the best gossip, like my son told me that one of his friends brought EIGHT Oreos for a snack at school but he couldn’t remember the kid’s name
Had to try this trend 😊
Why are we all Facebook friends with an English teacher we had in high school
Everyone’s gangster until they pull a push door.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
*seductively peels off lederhosen
Interviewer: and finally, why do you want to become a police officer.
Me: [thinking of all the awesome parties i’ll finally get called to] help the community obviously
I’m just a girl
Hiding under a bed
Hoping his wife leaves soon
Again
Eww. RTing her is like giving your TL an STD