i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
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The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Anxiously sneaking to use a pen that my daughter has strictly forbidden me to touch shows exactly who’s in charge of this house.
My nephew said the cherries in my refrigerator had gone bad. They’re moonshine cherries, so yeah, they aren’t exactly choir boys.
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that