Time flies when you throw your alarm clock out the window.
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Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
God, I love Scotland
“Pay attention, 007; this might look like an ordinary suitcase but, if you push this button, a handle comes out and you can wheel it.”
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
You know, you don’t have to buy a tiger to dispose of a body. Pigs will eat people too, bones and all.
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
I feel this pandemic is the worst group project I’ve ever been a part of in my entire life for real.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is
ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal
GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?