Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
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under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Oh deer
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
*accidentally clicks on the wrong internet browser*
INTERNET EXPLORER: OH YEAHHHHH! TIME TO SHAKE THE RUST OFF, BABY! WHO’S READY TO EXPLORE. THE. INTER-
*closes browser*
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Dr: your father is real sick
Woman: [sobbing] how long?
[her dad wheelies past on a bmx]
Dr: almost six yards that time
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Always
Count your blessings every day. Maybe you’ll have more blessings than Todd in accounting and you can rub them in his stupid face.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
When someone tells me to “smile naturally”.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.