“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
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*scoops litter everyday for 17 yrs*
Kids: We want a kitten!
Me: How about unlimited candy, an Xbox and a PS5 instead?
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Peregrine falcons: Attack from above. Prey on smaller birds. Silent. Cowards.
Geese: Will land in front of a full grown man. Hiss and honk to let you know battle has commenced. Audible boss music. Brave.
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
I apologize for pinching your lips closed when you started telling me about your kids
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
4-year-old: *looks at our pig* Which pig is she?
Me: What do you mean?
4: Is her house made of bricks or sticks?
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
The best thing I ever did was install a fake doorbell.
Now no one ever knocks on my door.
Not recommended for beginners.
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
me: (texting boss) we still on for work today?
boss: yes. you dont have to text me this every morning. we’re “on” for work every day mon-fri
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
I really relate to the people in commercials who “didn’t know that.”
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.