—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
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Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
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american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
It’s actually Dr. whatever
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Bigfoot keeps his legs in shape by doing sasquats
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
When u drop an ice cube on the floor u have only 2 options:
1. kick it under the fridge
2. pick it up & throw it at the sink missing wildly
One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
me: *fixing something*
him: that’s not broken
me: well, it is now
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?