Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.
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Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
I’m convinced that anytime you call customer service they check your twitter to see if you have enough followers to bash them before they do anything for you
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
Though I hear their
Helpless cries
I eat
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
My dad shouted “shut up idiots” to the cats.
I told him “You’re speaking English to a cat. You’re the idiot. You have to meow at them.”
Waking up would be much easier if I didn’t have to do it so many days in a row.
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
them: I’LL SEE YOU IN COURT
me: *breaking their glasses* no you won’t
I’m not here to judge anyone’s religion. I’m here to judge their misinterpretation of it.
[fancy daughter comes back from her first semester at culinary school in the big city] Well well well if it isn’t
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
Not all heroes wear capes.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
ME:: I swear, I floss them after every meal!
OPTICIAN: like I said last time, don’t do that.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry