i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
You Might Also Like
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that shit means but at least they’re not talking to you anymore
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
ME:
AUDIOBOOK ENGINEER: Out loud.
ME: Oh.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
What young people don’t realize is that in 2014 everything was Nutella. Breakfast was Nutella, snacks were Nutella, dessert was Nutella. I couldn’t go to class because my bike was Nutella. My buddy’s dad was Nutella.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
[lunch date]
“I’ll have a salad.”
Narrator: Ursula then returns home and eats Fritos, Cool Whip and what appears to be leftover meatloaf.
Dad called and asked how my weekend was and I gave him the whole rundown but it was just a lead in for him to tell me that he dragged a dead body out of a lake
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Birds shit on us because we tweet better.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
You had me at “define legal”.
I don’t mind being fully naked or my top half being naked, but I hate being naked from the waist down only. This is why I could never be a cartoon duck
Unlike the sons, the Mumford daughters all married at young ages just for the chance to change their names and hide their unfortunate family history of angry banjo playing.
sliding into dms like
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
You can’t buy gifts from a sex offender registry. I know this now.
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.