I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
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My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
inside you there are two wolves. one snores like “honk shoo honk shoo honk shoo.” the other one snores like “hooooonk mi mi mi”
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
“You’re in no position to be making demands.”
[does a handstand]
“Company helicopter & 2 months extra vacation.”
“Fair enough.
Ah yes let me just fashion a mask out of a bandana. First I’ll head over to the bandana drawer in my dresser, where I keep my myriad bandanas.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
You fools! Whether or not
Die Hard is a Christmas movie doesn’t really matter. The tradition of arguing over it is what counts. 🎄🎅🏻🌃
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
Honestly son, that nightlight just makes it easier for the monsters to find you.
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
A spray bottle for people who stand too close in line.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.