Oh we’ve met.
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Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
I am criminally attractive*
*attractive to criminals
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
Please stop saying “There are plenty of fish in the sea”. I’m sick of having sex with fish!!
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
I accidentally drank a bottle of invisible ink last night.
I’m in the hospital now, waiting to be seen.
8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Me to my 7yo: Why are you sleeping naked with one mitten on?
7: Because I couldn’t find the second mitten
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…