*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
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Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
god: [creating sharks] make them apex predators of the ocean
angel: sounds fearsome
god: ya but if you punch them in the face they just immediately leave
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Husband: *struggling to get soap out of the bottle*
Me: you know you could refill it
Husband: nah if you leave it long enough it fills up on its own
Me: do you think I’m the soap fairy!!?
Husband: omg are you?
Me: I hate you
Me: Hi, what’s a good school binder for my 10yo girl here?
Clerk: Trapper Keeper?
Me: Haha, no, she’s my own daughter.
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
Something Saturday.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
My kid woke me up a 5:30 am because he was too hot. Never thought of myself as an extraordinary problem solver, but I told him to take his blanket off.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum