I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
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Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought: “the streets are strangely desserted tonight”.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.
The devil.
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
the three branches of government
But my sandwich is so dry!
“Sorry sir, that’s not what we do here at the Mayo Clinic.”
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
You can tell a lot about people, you just don’t need to.
50-year-old drunk bully: “Your mouth is writing checks your body can’t cash.”
20-year-old: “What’s a check?”
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
Lassie, get help!
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.