I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
You Might Also Like
KID 911: wats ur emergency
SON: cant find my shoes
KID 911: have you looked literally nowhere?
SON: yes!
KID 911: then it is lost forever
I just searched for a picture of “desserts” and a photo of grapes popped up. What kind of sick person has grapes for dessert?
[house being raided]
[swat guy crashes through window, lands on slip n slide I placed there for this exact reason and slides out front door]
[House hunters]
Pigs: we’d really love a brick house
Wolf realtor: how do we feel about wood tho?
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
she has a point
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
Me [wearing a sick mask]: ᴳᵒᵒᵈ ᵐᵒʳⁿᶦⁿᵍ!
Neighbor: Oh no! You have the flu?
Me [completely shredded my mouth eating Cap’n Crunch for breakfast]: … ʸᵉᵖ
When your girlfriend is PMS’ing, cheer her up by showing her that “totally weird” text you got from your ex last night.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura