Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
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If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
Invited my girlfriend to a charity bbq where they’re roasting a whole pig and when she asked ‘what’s the charity’ I said it was for the pig’s family.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”
(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
{Dark ally}
So how good are these drugs?*Dealer forcefully pulls me close*
“Ever just grab the right amount of hangers?”Wow. That’s good
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
How did we not see this back then?
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.