me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
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Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
So I said ‘I love you’ but he didn’t say it back. We haven’t spoken since. Maybe he just needs space.
Vet: Your cat’s fine. You can go now.
me: time to hit the hay
wife: you’re going to bed?
me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay
My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
Every photo taken inside my house has at least one laundry basket in the background.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
The best way to prevent COVID is the consumption of durian fruit. It doesn’t kill the virus but it is excellent for social distancing
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
[getting hypnotized]
ME: *clucks like a chicken*
HYPNOTIST: I haven’t started yet
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
No matter how good your raspberry body wash smells, don’t be tempted to drizzle it over your ice cream. I’ve been burping bubbles for days.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
5: How come we never do anything fun?
Me: We went to an amusement park..
5: Yeah but that was a really long time ago
Me: It was yesterday
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne