Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
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You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
I don’t wish anyone strife in their relationship but i do wish my neighbors would enunciate a little more when they fight so i can hear better.
My 1-year-old already knows how to open the baby gate. She stands there, screams, and I open the gate for her.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
So true for me
“You do realize, that’s completely idiotic, and makes no sense at all…Right?”
-People who are told how tennis is scored for the first time
i don’t know what just happened, but i was at the animal shelter before work and a toddler walked in and pointed at me and went “i want that one” and his mom just looked at me and said “you can’t have that, that’s a grown man”
Batman: what’s your power
Superman: *removes glasses*
Batman: woah where’d the nerd go
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*
*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
running out of wrapping paper after four drinks means that mom’s gifts will be wrapped in MAD magazine pages
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
You don’t need to worry about being attacked by a shark anymore. I just threw a toaster in the ocean.
Lol #dogsoftwitter
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy