*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
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To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
I hate Valentine’s Day but I do enjoy infant archery.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
I saw a pigeon walking alone today. I was like you and me both buddy then he met up with his friends and I was like TRAITOR!
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
[detention facility]
Jeff: I’m in for littering what are YOU in for?
Jeoff: loitering
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Made my daughter dinner last night and she told me it was really good as long as she took tiny bites and used lots of ketchup
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
GF and I went to see Dark Knight Rises our 9th date. Dates can be summarised dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner dinner Batman.
Movie idea: a gang of precision bank robbers, who were—now get this—trained…by…a…Doberman.
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off