If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
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me: how do i use this inhaler?
doctor: you suck.
me: i’m trying sorry
Finally, an instrument I can play!
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
Just slung my bra off & threw it to the other side of the couch where there are already 2 other bras. If my math is right, it’s Wednesday.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
So my wife doesn’t like the new shampoo she bought. I’ll give you two guesses who’s gonna be smelling like cucumber melon for the next five weeks.
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
me: but jesus, I noticed that during the most troublesome times of my life there was only one set of footprints
jesus: (takes hit off vape) that was when you were being super sketch bro, like major vibe killer kind of behavior from you
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
My waiter just told me he fancies himself as “an edgy comedian”
Pray for me
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…