Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
You Might Also Like
For 10 years I believed my best friend was a mute, but it turns out that someone has just drawn a boy in the corner of my glasses.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
My wife: where are the Cheetos?
Me:
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.
Oh, you have ‘haterz.’
Congratulations. I have lovers. And the ability to spell.
. : can i have that?
me: have what?
: : thanks
me. wait
⠸ : yoink
me stop that
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
When I die and eventually go to Hell I’m going to flirt with the Devil like “So, did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?”
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!