Someone just told me to tone it down a notch. So disrespectful. I don’t have notches. I’m analog. I’m continuous. We have smidgens. I’ll tone it down a smidgen.
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Me having to explain to another kid’s dad why he can’t come to my kid’s birthday party
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
We decided to have money instead of children.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
My 1-year-old thinks turtles say “vroom vroom.” I hesitate to correct her because who knows what’s what anymore? Maybe turtles are fast now.
Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
“But you just went pee”
– A Family Vacation Memoir
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
Eddie Murphy at the premiere of Purple Rain, 1984.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
I never pray harder than when I’m trying on a new pair of skinny jeans.