No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
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Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
director: ok. it’s ancient Greece.
actor: British accent got it.
The dark side of Canada
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Genie: I will grant you 3 wishes.
Me: I wish buffalo hot wings were the healthiest food on earth.
G: Sweet. You have 3 wishes left.
M: Dont you mean 2?
G: Nah, Dawg, that wing wish was tight, I ain’t charging you for that.
Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Have kids, they said
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
[God inventing pain]
God: This is how humans will know they need to heal physically.
Angel: But how will they know if they need emotional healing?
God [inventing Linkin Park]: worry not
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
Sid Miller out here wasting a week’s worth of drafts in the past hour.
When the aliens decide to show up from whatever other dimension they are really from, can they please return all my lost socks and bobby pins, thaanks.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
My wife said we need to go buy some more mulch for the garden. I’m just going to take the kids to the playground instead. When we get home I’ll empty out their pockets and we’ll have enough wood chips to cover the entire garden.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
At least something in this house will finally get stuffed tomorrow.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
You may be little now, but don’t be discouraged. Someday, you’ll be a man just like me.
*baby starts crying*
Just got my results from ancestry dot com and it turns out I’m a quarter manatee.