Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
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My kids are gathered around the Christmas tree to analyze the gifts. They carefully weigh and gently shake each box, then they put other things around the house into cardboard boxes and shake them for comparison. They’re getting too tactical this year…Santa’s in the crosshairs.
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
” i saw your ex”
A very unnecessary piece of information
You know a corn maze is going to be intense when it has a missing-child poster at the entrance.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Trying to pay for a $10 item with a 5 dollar bill and explaining that the bill is double sided
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton