I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
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The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
This kinda thing happens to me often
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
Don’t give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely
Me: I just got hit
911: are you ok
Me: with a car
911: oh my gosh
Me: a toy car
911: oh why did u call us then
Me: its now sticking out of my skull
Dental office: fill out this giant package of paper & get in line.
Me: I’m paying cash.
Dental office: *unhooks red rope* right this way ma’am, would you like some champagne?
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
Taking a break from my mental health so I can focus on Twitter
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.