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We all talk about the early bird getting the worm but what if I’m a worm and sleeping in could save my life
I saw this sign two days ago and I can’t stop thinking about ‘Worse’
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
There are 3 types of people:
1. Dog people
2. Cat people
3. Clean house people
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
every Crock-Pot recipe:
– add anything in the house
– cook 3-19 hours on low
Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it