*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
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If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Oh Magic 8-Ball, will anyone ever love me?
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
If I ever run out of food, I can survive for 3 or 4 days on the stuff stuck to the walls of my microwave.
“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
[Antiques Roadshow]
This mirror frame is a classic Victorian style, but the ghosts in the reflection are wearing Edwardian clothes so the glass was likely replaced
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
If you want someone to sing 2 seconds before or after they’re supposed to then I’m your girl
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
My toddler just put the parent down for a nap in her dolls house and I’m trying to figure out where she’s got this idea that parents ever sleep because it’s definitely not here
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
I just had a moment of clarity. Glad that’s over with.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
Hey sorry I can’t make it that night. My wife and I have tickets to a Broadway show. Yeah a bunch of guys brought a giant ape over from some island and we’re going to go look at him
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.