I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
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My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
COP: “How’d the pizza go missing?”
HIM: “It was the cat.”
COP: “There was no cat.”
HIM: “Someone broke in.”
COP: “The doors were locked.”
HIM: “It wasn’t me.”
COP: “There’s cheese on your nose.”
HIM: “I want a lawyer.”
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
You would think with the whole “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” that there would be more body builders walking around.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
WAITER: may i suggest the steak
VAMPIRE: no you certainly may not
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
What I did to that ice cream is illegal is some states.
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Man, my tummy really hurts, I should probably have another latte and a third and fourth croissant about it
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
I cried at a wedding once. The reception was a cash bar.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
gentlemen, hear me out
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
There’s no subtle way of starting a game of dodgeball at a yoga class.
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you