I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
You Might Also Like
Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Top 4 horrified face expressions:
4. dragged away by crocodile
3. stabbed by serial killer
2. mauled by bear
1. no toilet paper
[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
The angel on my shoulder says I should be doing more with my life.
Wait, no, that’s just my mom talking. I forgot I left my phone there.
Come on Canada, first Celine, then Nickelback, NOW Bieber!? Are you TRYING to provoke a war?
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Nobody:
Me to my alien: so basically you make a dinner the kids say they like and then they cry because they don’t like that food anymore
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
I thought I was getting myself a new couch but apparently I was getting my dog a new bed
Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.
Of course my husband went into sales. He told his drill sergeant at basic training he was allergic to fish because he didn’t like fish and got a sandwich made for him. IN THE ARMY.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
Me: haha why would I stop eating cheese because of what you heard in a horoscope
Doctor: stethoscope
Me: He was choking. Seemed like he couldn’t breathe
Cop: Why didn’t you help him
Me: My dog was sleeping in my lap
Cop: Totally understand
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”