A Roomba, but to shave my legs.
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I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Her: MOM! C’MERE!
Her: Oops never mindHer: MOM! MOM!
Her: Oops false alarmHer: WOW! MOM!
Her: Oops my bad[my dog at the window]
I bought 334 books, 23 t-shirts, 16 bumper stickers, and went to 73 seminars about getting my impulsive compulsive buying disorder under control. For once, I finally got a handle on it.
I’ve saved so much money I put a down payment on a Siberian tiger.
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
4: Mommy, you’re just like a Disney movie. We should play pretend.
Me: Aww! Sure!
4:You can be the Beast.
Me: …
4: Or the fat sea witch!
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people
Auto correct changed “Help” desk to “Hell” desk and man, it got that right.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Can’t. I’m outside getting free lasik surgery.
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
[on date]
Ok, don’t let her know ur a vampire.
Her: I think I’ll have a steak.
A STAKE??
[turns into bat and flies away]
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
[first day as waiter]
Me: the chef recommends the carb-free hamburger wrap with—
Sir Mix-A-Lot: 🎶My anaconda don’t want none unle—
Me: sir you can’t bring pets into the restaurant
i won’t rest until we get a netflix category where we can be on our phones and still understand the plot.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Took the man to get his hearing aids fixed today. Still deciding if it was a smart move. Don’t touch my radio.
Bee: I got a stinger bro!
Dung beetle: Nice! [enters gods office] Sorry I’m late. Whats my special power?
God: [clearly annoyed] Eating shit
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
I see that my reputation for using just slightly the wrong word proceeds me.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business