Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
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[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
Me: what will you trade me for my Soul
Devil: dude I am NOT buying your KIA
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
stop saying millennials aren’t having kids. my posts are my children and I’m deeply disappointed in all of them
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Forty is the new thirty!
At least it is according to the loan shark to whom I now owe an additional ten grand.
Gen Z will be like “OMG new life hack!” And then it’s a video of them adjusting the toaster dial
*me carrying in all of the groceries
Wife: I feel bad, I don’t have anything
Me: You always have me
Wife: See what I’m saying
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
I can’t be the only one worried about where spiders go in winter.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
[Red Lobster]
Waiter: we’re offering Endless Shrimp.
Me: bring me the endless shrimp
<5 days later>
Waiter: please leave, I have a family
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.