oh u like history? name everything that happened
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what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
The last time anything got banged on my bed, it was my little toe against the leg.
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
When I get sad, I just think about the vast Universe and the fact that I’m stuck on this rock with a bunch of idiots. Then I get sadder.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
finally found a reasonable question
Important
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
In spite of what you might have heard, some pretty magical things happen behind dirty dumpsters in shady alleys.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.