Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
You Might Also Like
*walks into HR wearing a Princess Leia bikini
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
When your workplace is in chaos but your shift ended 6 seconds ago
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
we’re dead?
What can I say? Your script is great. A cop in a supercharged patrol car fighting insane mutant gangs along limitless stretches of highway in a desolate, post-apocalyptic landscape. Fantastic. But the title, Annoyed Max. We need to punch that up
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
where there’s a-weem there’s a-weh
[me as a ship’s navigator in the 1740s] omg you’re gonna be so mad at me…but i think that was supposed to be our trade wind back there
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
Me irl
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
I can almost always tell if a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs
[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
Murderer: What are you in for?
Her: Licking ice cream.
Murderer: That had better be a euphemism.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Ever since I bought this Queen mattress I’ve got shivers down my spine, body’s aching all the time.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself