My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
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If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
ME: *first day as a ghost* So we just kind of bug people?
OTHER GHOST: *going to town in a rocking chair* Have anything better to do?
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
“No thanks, I filled up on breadsticks.” – Eve to the Serpent in the Olive Garden of Eden
Me: I don’t really know anything about Canada.
Canada: Let’s keep it that way.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
Allah? Oh shit. I’ve been praying to Alan
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (by stealing my father’s armor and running away in the middle of the night to fight northern invaders with the Chinese army and compete with a handsome fellow soldier by pretending to be a man)
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
Mob Lawyer: This should be a easy non guilty verdict for you, Boss. All the prosecution’s witnesses are our guys. They know to lie while testifying.
Mob Boss: Who do they got?
Mob Lawyer: Let’s see. George Washington, Pinocchio, and Shakira’s hips.
Both: Oh shit.
Behold…the 4th horseman of the Apocalypse.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background