I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
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oh cool this article looks like a neat re-“JOIN OUR NEWSLETTER TO NEVER MISS OUT ON THE BEST NEWS EVER BUT FIRST DISABLE YOUR ADBLOCKER ALSO CAN WE HAVE YOUR PHONE NU-“
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
KITTEN: *flailing wildly*
MAMA CAT: hey would you knock it off
KITTEN: *slaps tv remote onto the floor*
MAMA CAT: excellent
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
Morning my dudes.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
*Tears off break away pants as I approach the breakfast buffet*
There should be four and only four chat rooms on Twitter.
A sorting hat assigns us to one and we stay there plotting against the other rooms
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
* on my death bed
Me: One thing I want you to do for me…
Wife: Name it?
Me: I want you to marry Larry.
Wife: (pause)You sure? I thought you hated Larry?
Me: I do.
I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
If I buy the circus the monkey will be the manager.
My 5yo after I picked her up from school, “someone in my class died…” as I gasped she said, “his hair.” Idk why she had to add that long pause.
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
I didn’t spend 8 years designing this hotel so I could listen to a bunch of touristy complaints about the small cameras inside the toilets.
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Save on air conditioning by letting ghosts infest your house.