Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
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How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
my brain: you have over a thousand unread emails
me: yes
my brain: are you ever going to read them?
me: no
my brain: then delete them
me: no
The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
writing an email takes 5 hours. 4 hours and 55 minutes to avoid and stress and obsess about it and 5 minutes to write it
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Buying a well is money well spent.
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
In Transylvania, it’s your Count that votes.
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Worth a try
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
me to the dentist: can u make my teeth more how u say al dente
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.