wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
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Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
My wife and I divided up the important talks we’ll have with our daughters.
She’ll handle puberty, sex, and college.
I’ll handle zombies.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Boy am I stuffed! I finally finished eating the bag of salt I got for Christmas
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
I’m a multitasker, for example I can be a couch potato and a baked potato at the same time
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
*jesus turns water to wine*
me: you can’t just insert goods into an economy you’ll cause deflation
Jesus: my child-
me: NO! it’s bullshit!
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.