Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
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it’s finally my moment to shine
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
When Bryan Adams sang ‘Baby, you’re all that I want…when you’re lying here in my arms…” I bet he was talking about brisket.
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Judas: I can’t wait for you to die
Jesus: what
Judas: Easter eggs, can’t wait for you to dye Easter eggs
Jesus: what eggs?
People will say stuff like “well at least if WWIII happens I won’t have to go to work…” I think in your heart you know that’s not true
How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
[beside lady with baby]
Her: Smells like someone went poop poop! Does the baby need a change?
Me: *blushing* Yes ma’am.
I don’t think the lady who just shushed a baby in the library knows how babies work
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Gave our gerbil a piece of kale from the garden. Now it’s complaining about gluten and begging for its own little pair of Uggs.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.
Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye is like Sarah Palin being on a climate change panel with Bill Nye.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
The nice thing about a home gym is you can scream sing to Steppenwolf while doing curls naked, and no one gives you a funny look.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
Me: ‘I love you so much, I’ll see you later beautiful’
Girlfriend: ‘I love you too’
Me: *Looks up from patting dog*
‘Yeah see you later’
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions