[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
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*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Wife: “Did you know that some idiot paid $96,000 for Princess Leia’s gold bikini?”
Me: [nervously tightening my robe] “Who would do that?”
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
you should basically never start working until at least 10:30am. you should also start wrapping things up for the day around 3pm. and we musn’t forget about the traditional hour lunch.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
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5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.