The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
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if ariel is the little mermaid then how big is a regular mermaid. are they like 40ft long
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere
Boy: Daddy can you beat a vampire?
Me: Well vampires don’t exis-
Boy: Can you beat a black hole?
Me: A black hole is-
Boy: A rhino?
Me: The thi-
Boy: A T-Rex?
Me: Wel-
Boy: Mike’s dad?
Me: Yes.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
marie kondo: does this object bring you joy?
me, looking longingly at a piece of scrap metal in the basement that i could possibly use for something someday: hell yeah it does
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
no babe, my vegan friends don’t want to meet you for the first time at a place called “the flaming pig”
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
DISNEY EXEC: So we’re going to remake 101 Dalmatians
ME: *hand shoots up*
EXEC: NOT with velociraptors
ME: *hand drops down*
[spelling bee finals]
JUDGE: your word is “asterisk”
KID: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: *adjusts mic* yes
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good