me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
You Might Also Like
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
Her: For once I’d like a man to just sweep me off my feet.
Me: *slowly ties Karate Kid headband around forehead*
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
Me: NOT TODAY SATAN
Satan: But-
Me: Jesus, what did I just say?!
Jesus: To be fair he did say not today
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
Its 4 am and my foot fell asleep are we doing this one body part at a time now
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]
He told me to strike while the iron is hot, like I know what an iron is.
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Not to brag but I can forget what I’m doing as I’m doing it
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
Good morning, Twitter x