No chill.
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The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
I’m impressed by girls who paint their eyebrows on. How do you pick one facial expression for the whole day? Like what if you find a penny?
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Momma, I hid my milk!
-A Parenting Horror Story
I took a shower bc hobo is an aesthetic not a scent
January is the biggest month every year in my office for divorce filings.
So when someone says “Tis the season to be jolly!” I cynically think “Well. We shall see.”
If I had a dog I’d say “I have a bone to pick with you!” and then we’d go to PetSmart to pick a bone and we’d laugh & laugh & can dogs laugh
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
Cashier #1: “Can I help you?”
Me: How long would it take to get a turkey burger to go?
Cashier #1: “About 5 minutes”
Cashier #2: “Are you Tony Hawk?”
Me: yes
Cashier #1: “Do you want a turkey burger then?”
Me: yes please, and an iced tea
Cashier #1: “Can I get a name?”
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
[quarantine routine]
7am: woke up
8am: fell out of bed
9am: dragged a comb across my head
10am: found my way downstairs and drank a cup
11am: looking up I noticed I was late
12pm: found my coat and grabbed my hat
1pm: made tiktoks with my cat
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
*writing dating profile*
Me: I’m like a good coffee, rich and smooth…
Friend: Oh strong start
Me: …Mysterious and aromatic…
Friend: Ok maybe stop with the coffee thing
Me: …bitter and makes you poop…
Friend: *unplugging my wifi*
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
You don’t know awkward and uneasy until you’ve seen the way I hold a cat.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?